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There is nothing else that seems to drain the energy out of you like a family member that brings up big emotions within us.
It could be your mother or your father.
It could even be someone from your extended family.
We’ve all got that one person who triggers heightened feelings within us.
Sometimes it is just their presence.
Which makes you feel like an ass because you are the spiritual person, right?
You’ve done lots of self-development. You ‘should’ be handling this in a completely different way.
Even when you have taken the higher road and ‘keep it’ together, it just doesn’t seem to work for you.
It seems that no matter what you do, what you reflect on or how you approach, they seem determined to stoke that fire either consciously or unconsciously.
You lose sleep, energy drains and you mull over experiences in your head, like a broken record. Let’s be honest, they are the last people you want to be thinking about at 3am.
And then a family event happens, and you need to see them and be in the same room as them.
Gotta love family, right?
I’ve been there.
With my sister.
We’ve had a very complicated dynamic for as long as I can remember that turned pretty bad over a decade ago. I did some things that were pretty terrible to her.
Only I didn’t actually know about it until I had a fairly abusive voice mail left on my phone. I was baffled. So were my parents and husband. It didn’t make sense. The last time we saw each other everything was fine. To this day I still don’t know what happened but I do know it triggered a cascading of events that unfolded for over a decade.
Even all my psychic gifts and spiritual development didn’t prepare me for the heightened emotions and triggering that occurred within me for many years.
Normally I have a pretty good radar. I always kind of know when I’ve pissed someone off and I’ve got to make amends. And the truth is you don’t need to be psychic to know that. Most people can pick up that vibe. But with my sister I was constantly blind-sided.
I’d get a phone call from my mother asking me what I had done to her this time and every time I had no idea. I’d get a message with a long list of misdemeanors I’d performed that could stretch back for months. It caught me off guard every single time.
To the point where I started to panic about going to family events. I stopped being myself in fear that I would do something or breathe wrong and upset her. I eventually got to the place where I felt like it was just me. No matter what I did, I was wrong.
Peace seemed an illusion.
I wanted peace. I wanted her to have a happy life and to do the things that brought her joy. And I wanted to be gifted the same. No matter what I did, it never happened.
I looked at myself, really looked at myself.
What was I doing to contribute to this?
What karma was I to sort out?
What mirrors were here?
How was I contributing to this?
I dug and explored and worked on myself to no avail.
Eventually I realized I was one of many to be in the same position. There was a common factor here, and it wasn’t me.
I got to peace after many years of being hurt.
I don’t want you to wait as long as I did.
It is possible and I want to share with you the three steps I took and understood so you too can find that peace.
1) Not everything is about your karma
Many great spiritual philosophies teach us that we contribute to every single experience around us. That we are part of a dynamic where we are the receiver and giver of lessons and experiences. And I believe this, whole heartedly. Yet, I do still believe that not everything is about my karma or about me. Not every interaction. Especially ones where you have explored past life, ancestral, benefits that this relationship is giving you, how they are mirroring you and you are still as stumped as to why this relationship turned sour.
Then it’s time to stop and recognize that maybe you are being caught up in their karmic vibration or story and it’s not actually yours to fix or heal.
Maybe, this is actually about them and not you (how very unspiritual like of me).
Maybe this is about them and not you.
Want to find out if it’s not you, it’s them?
Listen to the audio below for this practice. Please ensure you are not driving whilst listening.
2) Acknowledge and feel the hurt
Don’t avoid it. It just constipates emotions and blocks energy up inside your body. In fact the more you avoid it, the stronger it gets. If you don’t get these words out of your body, then they remain stuck inside you on repeat. It’s these words that become the broken record at 3am or that trigger a big emotional outburst when someone mentions their name.
Getting out of the body is so important. You need to validate how you are feeling and release it.
But what do you do? You can’t say these words and hurt and curse and name call, no matterhow good it will feel in the moment.
I’ve put together a Healing Practice called Relationship Healing for you to access.
The f word. You knew I was going to say the f word didn’t you? Forgiving yourself and the person is so important. So many great teachers talk about the need to forgive, but not how to actually step into a place of genuine forgiveness, especially when the other person is being an ass and they are the last person you want to forgive.
There is an incredibly simple tool that allows you to get to a place of actually wanting to forgive them, even if they have been a … you know what.
When it came to my sister, the only way I could find forgiveness is to step inside her world and experience it from her point of view, just for a moment. That experience left me feeling so incredibly sorry and sad for her. That if I viewed the world through her paradigm, then I too would probably behave in that way. Then look through her eyes and saw what she saw when she looked at me and felt what she felt when she looked at me.
My sister didn’t see my internal challenges. She just saw something she wanted. A husband and child. She saw what she didn’t have but so badly wanted.
No wonder I triggered her.
So how to do this?
Listen to the audio and I’ll guide you to a place where you can find forgiveness. Please ensure you are not driving.
The elephant in the room
Why me? I asked over and over again. Far out it frustrated me. Why was I the one in the relationship to invest in healing? To take the higher road every … single … time… ? Why was I the one to do all the work while they “got away” with their behavior?
It has become one of the most irritating consequences of spiritual development.
So I just want to say this.
Someone has to or the cycle won’t stop.
What happened for me? Well after years of nerves, self-questioning and trying to figure out how to fix it, I stopped.
Once I saw her perspective I became really grateful. I was so grateful for all the years of spiritual and personal development I have had because my worldview is filled with love, peace and the goodness of life around me. I became really grateful that I didn’t have to live my life through her paradigm. At first I felt sad.
Then I started to wish her full happiness of family, success and joy and it came from a place of love. I wished her all her dreams to come true and with that, I was happy if I wasn’t part of that experience.
Helena Ryan lives in Brisbane Australia with her husband, son and border collie. When she’s not working she’s reading books, going camping or bushwalking or playing diggers with her son in the sandpit. She loves to garden and travel. She has served in the Australian Army and spent a decade as a Primary School Teacher. In 2011 she helped her husband clear his cancer, a 6x4x2” tumour around his lungs.
P.S. If this resonated with you, I work with female entrepreneurs from all around the world to identify how their ancestral lineage is impacting their business and their personal life. Find out how your Ancestral Lineage is impacting your journey.